A prayer written
October 2014
Dear God,
I have felt as though I could not journal, write, pray, or
read for awhile now. I go through these
stages in my life where I don’t really feel anything but numbness – if you can
even feel that. It seems that autumn
always draws me back from my state of non-existence. I start to observe nature and the very obvious
change in season. It reminds me that I
am a part of this earth. Just as the
seasons change, I find myself also changing.
Fall is my time of reflection. It’s
when the entire year for me is brought before my eyes and the lessons taught
are put to the final test. I’ve prepared
all year for this final. My preparation was
on the job training. From October thru
December I will transition into seeing how it all comes together. How does it all play out God? You’ve already taught me that this teaching
and test doesn’t really have a pass or fail ending. I already know that until I take my last
breath, the lessons are never ending. My
answers are never really wrong either. Each
choice I make comes with a lesson. Each
turn I take has an experience. If only
we could see what it was prior to opening the door, but I would imagine that
life would be boring if we knew everything up front. How would we ever learn anything? Each year I go through this process but I
have to admit, this year seems different to me.
I have to figure out why. Why am
I so numb? Why do I have to force myself to read or journal? What am I not allowing myself to feel? I know we all have guides that are unseen
that help us through this journey. I
also know that they will help us once we call upon them for help.
Well, Guide Angel, I need you to help me feel again. Help me see what I cannot see. Help me learn the lessons. Help me grow.
Help me in all other areas I don’t even realize I need help in.
Amen.
Written August 30,
2015 after re-reading my prayer above:
Hindsight is 20/20.
As I reflect and read my previous journal writings, I get deeper
revelation of that saying. I now
understand why I couldn’t feel anything when I wrote that in 2014. I didn’t feel like myself. I have always been very intune with
myself. To lose my sense of home (my
inward world filled with so much peace and comfort) was devastating and
scary. How would I manage in this world
without my sense of self?
It all makes sense to me now. I was reminded of a very powerful dream I had
five years ago. It prophetically played
out for an entire week like a pilot series of dreams. I watched each episode eagerly waiting for
the next cliff hanger until the finale.
The finale came and it was like any other finale, unexpected. I watched myself say goodbye to everyone I
loved dearly. I told family members to
take care of my children. I drifted off
in what felt like the most amazing sleep ever from this life into the
next. I was in paradise and although I
was happy and felt the love of paradise, I knew that I was leaving my loved
ones too soon. The premier of my
prophetic series started out with what seemed like bad news. “You have cancer and you need to go home and
get your house in order. Tell your
family and friends,” she said so bluntly.
I can still remember every detail of her face. I can still remember me sitting on her exam
table in shock thinking, “How could this happen? I’m too young for this.” As I walked to my car I felt nothing. I was numb.
I couldn’t cry. I told my family
and I assured them that it was not a big deal.
If I wasn’t worried about it, they shouldn’t worry about it either. I abruptly woke-up and immediately knew it
was my spirit and body warning me of something.
Should I go to the doctor? Maybe
this is why I’m in so much pain. All of
these thoughts continued to race through my head the entire day until finally I
prayed the most desperate prayer I had ever prayed before. I prayed, “God please, you have to come to me
again and tell me what all of this means.”
I begged God to give me another dream explaining to me what this
meant. What am I supposed to do? Little did I know God had already shot an
entire pilot series.
The next night I raced to bed and was ready to hear from
God. He did not disappoint in appearing to me but I
was left even more confused. This
episode was strange. I was sitting on a
yellow school bus as the only passenger with a driver that I did not know. This HUGE, bright, white light appeared
behind my right shoulder and spoke to me the entire episode. I felt like the mystery of the universe was
being revealed to me. Unfortunately, it
was to my subconscious mind only because my conscious mind could not remember a
thing when I woke-up. All I could
remember of the secret was that I had to subconsciously agree to the
instructions. Whatever they were I cried
and kept saying, “No, no, no.” This
beautiful light of what felt like pure love comforted me and revealed to me the
big picture of it all. Once I saw how my
agreeing would help with the big picture I immediately stopped crying and I
agreed instantly. Just that quick the
episode ended and I opened my eyes with amazement. I was amazed to experience the presence of
pure love (which has appeared to me before in dreams always leaving me wanting
more experiences). I spent my entire day
comforted by the remnants of pure love that penetrated my spirit in that dream. I was willing to be a yielded vessel but I
also felt extreme sadness in my spirit.
I felt like I had just agreed to the ultimate sacrifice. My connection and bonds on this earth would
make it very hard to experience anything as painful as what I felt when I was
yelling, “No, no, no,” as I cried uncontrollably. I must know what was said! I thought it was very irresponsible of me not
to remember. I blew it! God has revealed to me what I’ve been praying
for Him to show me and I can’t even remember! Ugh!
So again, that next day I prayed. This time I prayed all day (even writing some
of my prayers down). I begged, cried,
and poured my heart out to God. “No more
guessing. Tell me once and for all what
I agreed to. Make it plain.”
That night as I laid my head down on my pillow I said one
final prayer. “God, all of my life I
have been able to hear you, please come to me again and show me what you have
said.”
There I was, watching this time.
If we as humans transformed into a spirit and if you can imagine that
spirit as the wind – that’s what I was.
I had no form. I could not be
seen by those acting out the scene. I was
a spirit that could see, hear, and feel.
I watched as the finale started.
The opening scene was me on the operating table. The room was sterile and all white except for
the bags of blood being spun in a machine.
And just that quickly I was being wheel chaired out of the hospital as
the doctor said to my husband, “Bring her home and make her comfortable.” I had surgery to remove the cancer. They informed my husband that they have done
all that they could and that I would need palliative care. The next scene I watched as I laid on the
sofa in my home. I couldn’t talk. I had very little energy. All I had was my thoughts. The entire time I am trying to talk and speak
to get my husband’s attention. He was
too busy running around the house trying to get everything organized for
me. In my thoughts I was screaming for
his attention, but in reality nothing was coming out of my mouth. Suddenly, I feel pain and grab my neck. I’m not sure what a seizure feels like but I’m
pretty sure I was having one. As I
watched as an observer, it hits me and I immediately thought, “OMG, I’m dying!” Once I realized what was really happening my
spirit was no longer an observer. I was
now in my body experiencing it all. I
immediately thought, “Wow, this is beautiful.
Death isn’t as scary and awful as we’ve painted it out to be!” It felt like I was about to doze off into the
most amazing sleep of my life. As much
as I wanted to “fall asleep”, I kept fighting.
“No, I can’t go yet,” I said in my thoughts. I knew that I had to continue to get my
husband’s attention. I’m not sure how I did
but finally he walked up to me and I was able to tell him my final words. “Take care of my children,” I said in a very
weak voice. He promised me that he
always would and I was able to go to paradise.
I woke-up in tears.
How could you let the main character die God? How could she leave her young kids? That’s when God spoke to me and said what I believe
saved my life. He said, “This was only a
pilot. Go to the doctor. This is a warning.”
Now, I rewind back to the beginning of my post. Hindsight is 20/20. 2011 is when I had my pilot episodes. I immediately started to get checked out and
my test revealed things I would not have known otherwise. One finding however was incidental at the
time and the thyroid nodule was insignificant.
Fast forward to October 2014 when I wrote that I didn’t feel like
myself. Something didn’t feel right and
it was affecting my emotional state as well.
Again, I went to the doctor and things were revealed but only as a “watch
and see.” Here I am almost a year later
and hindsight is 20/20. I recently had a
follow-up appointment to check a nodule and it has grown tremendously since it
was last checked. I was told I needed to
remove it and officially have it biopsied since the last two FNA (fine needle aspiration)
were inconclusive. I am scheduled for
surgery this week and I have faith that God has revealed something that needs
to be addressed now so that it does not become a problem later.
Words will never be able to fully express my gratitude. I have always had prophetic dreams and I have
no doubt that they have extended my life.
I have learned so much from all of this:
1. Death
is not the end of life. Death is walking
out of one door (earth), into another door (paradise). Death is no different than a baby being born. If babies have thoughts and a remembrance of
where they came from, I would imagine they would probably view birth as
death. They have no clue what’s about to
occur. They go through this dark tunnel
and can see light at the end that they somehow know to go towards. Just as babies could view birth as death, we
too can view what could be a birth into a new life as a death. I now see it as closing one chapter of my
journey and starting a new one.
2. Always
pay attention to your body and your intuition.
The truth lives in us all. You might
not recall everything in your conscious state but the subconscious is connected
with the all-knowing. Your intuition is
your subconscious trying to guide you.
We all have a purpose and mission in life and God wants us to complete
it.
3. I have
realized that we are all made up of the universe. We are all connected. We are all one with God. I was fully made aware that I subconsciously
agreed to something that really had nothing to do with me. It was bigger than me. Every purpose on this earth is to increase
the energy of love and light. It is to
evolve past the ego and tap into the divine that lives within us all. Once you see and are aware of the God that is
in you, you will also see it in everything else on earth. From every other person to nature. The divine is the thread that links us all
together in the tapestry of life.
4. We all
dream. We don’t all remember our dreams
but we all dream. Start asking and
praying that if God is trying to speak to you through your dreams, you remember
them. God can speak to us in so many
different ways and for me this particular avenue has allowed me to experience
his love as a tangible force. It’s truly
amazing!
I no longer feel numb.
I have been given back my zeal for life!
I am scheduled to have surgery this week and I ask that you pray for me
and send me loving light and energy. I
promise to do the same for you!
The greatest take away from all of my experiences so far in
this life is this:
It’s ok to make mistakes.
It’s ok to get lost. How can life
teach you about a God that saves if you’ve never been lost? How can you evolve and grow into your higher
self if you don’t make mistakes? How can
you ever come to know the God in others if you don’t first discover it in
yourself? Love yourself because in doing
so you are also loving God. The next
time you look in the mirror know that you are manifested love that we call our
Creator. He created you and poured His
very spirit within each cell that makes up the whole of who you are! So from one manifested love creature to
another, I love you!
Tonya
Ya'll know music is my life right? Well, THESE songs and so many others have been my lifeline!
