OK, so I realize that if I don't share my writings from over 20 years ago (when I was a teenager) the paper will continue to turn brown and they will be lost forever. The writings are not perfect and it might not have proper grammar but it will give you a glimpse into who I am. It will show a child that was trying to belong in a world that I really didn't "belong" to. For those that knew me back then what they knew was my "shell". The part of me that was trying to make it into a world that I viewed as "cold". I had very few people back then that cared enough to look beyond the shell. Those few people searched and discovered the core of who I really was. I am now happy to say that as of today I am FREE to be ME:) I now know my purpose in this life and my life has a whole new meaning. What an awesome God we serve!
The way I felt as a child I guess would be the same as the The Psalmist that said, "I am a stranger on earth" (Psalm 119:19a). The phrase, "wherever I lodge," in verse 54, literally means: "in my temporary house." According to Hebrews 11, the "heroes of the faith" "admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth" (verse 13). Peter describes his Christian readers as "aliens and strangers in the world." God's people, Christians, should always feel somewhat out of place in this world. They ought to feel like strangers, pilgrims, aliens, like "ducks out of water," out of their proper environment.
The above paragraph was quoted from an article I recently read that I immediately connected with. Here is the link if you would like to read the full article. http://www.crcna.org/pages/zondervan_psm119.cfm
The first writing I will share was a paper my English teacher asked the class to write after she read a story about "The Wall". Here is what I wrote:
THE WALL
I never really had any affection or even knew the purpose of the wall. But after hearing my teacher read "The Wall" to the class, it has touched my heart in ways I can't imagine to explain. I don't know any names on the wall but here I am sitting in my desk with the feeling of chills running down my spine. I think, "Why"? God never wanted us to live like this. Everyone is in the same boat, we're family. It's time to make a change but where does it begin? I know I want peace. As sorry as I am to say this....I don't think that unrealistic dream will ever happen.
CaringPureLove
Here is another piece that I wrote as a child.....
I AM
I am a caring and loving girl that nobody notices
I wonder why people hate and almost never appreciate life
I hear the sounds of demons taking over the world
I see everyone getting along and loving each other
I want peace
I am a caring and loving girl that nobody notices
I pretend that I am a bird flying high in the sky
I feel the pain of knowing I have enemies
I touch my family when I do good
I worry what it's like to be dead
I cry about the way we live and how I live
I am a caring and loving girl that nobody notices
I understand that nobody is perfect
I say I want peace
I dream that it will only come true
I try to do the best I can in school
I hope my future children live a worry free life
and not have some of the problems we have today
I am a caring and loving girl that nobody notices.
CaringPureLove
Here is another poem I wrote. Back then I lived such an introverted life that as a child I was very shy, didn't let anyone behind my own wall, and just wanted to know that I would be loved. I thought about my future often......will I get married, have children??? Many, many questions of the future but deep down knowing that this world didn't offer the God kind of love (agape love) that my life was void of feeling from humans. It was an artificial type of love and as a child I felt that it was artificial and it grieved me. I felt like "life" was letting me down.
LIFE
Day by day life gets harder and more complicated.
And day after day your feelings for me starts fading.
I wonder of so many things in life;
Is there life after death?
Who will I marry?
Will I have a baby to carry?
But more and more as I wonder
I figure out I'd rater be within heaven
With God and birds and spirits and stars
Or I'd rather be alone by myself,
some place like mars.
There's nothing more in this world that I want then to exhale.
But it seems year by year,
Day by day,
minute by minute,
and second by second,
I inhale the faults in life.
I can't help but to hope and pray I will be a wife.
Somebody wife.
Anybody wife.
But that I'd be loved and you would appreciate me.
Don't let me down life, I need you, as you can see.
Please, help me!
CaringPureLove
**In case you are wondering, my reference to being a wife was my way of asking "life" or "God" will I ever feel that unconditional love here on earth? The void in my heart at the time was a void from that love existing on this earth. It amazes me that as a child who didn't grow up with God really being taught in my home, I still had an awareness of God. I knew that I came from and belonged to Him! I will post more of writings from my teenage years later (as I feel led to).
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